Decision Made

My little girls name is.... Lillee Ann
KC was getting way too confused with us calling the new puppy Gracee. When we were telling Gracee no KC was feeling like we were scolding him. So after talking to Neal and some of our family I decided that was should call her Lillee instead. I changed it a couple hours ago and I have already caught myself calling her Gracee. After planing for my baby girl "Gracee" and calling her Gracee for a day its going to be difficult for me to call her Lillee. However, to save my KC from being confused it will be worth the effort.
On another note I weighed Lillee today. I tried to put her on my scale but she didn't even register. I decided to use my weight watchers food scale. I put a bowl on the scale and then I put Lillee in the bowl. She weighs 2lbs 12oz. Her parents weighed 4lbs and 7lbs so I'm thinking that she will be between 5 and 6 lbs when she is full grown.
Lillee cries when she is left alone. Oh and she cries loudly! It is sad to say but watching her howl and cry makes me smile. She is such a drama queen! Plus its nice to know that she already attached :-) However, the crying does get annoying. Esp. when we are trying to sleep. Hopefully she will get over the separation anxiety soon.

It's a GIRL

GRACEE MAY or LILLEE ANN

I've been trying to get Gracee/Lillee since Christmas. I went back and forth on being patient and then not so patient. I had finally settled on being patient. I was in a good place, then Neal went to pet store and took video of a Maltese. Luckily for Neal it was a boy and I want a girl. I have been outnumbered for way too long. Ever since Neal went to the pet store I have become very determined to find my little girl. I searched the Internet, newspapers and various pet stores all with no luck. Yesterday, Neal returned to the same pet store to find that they had a female Maltese for sale.
We went to the pet store today so I could check her out. We left the pet store with our little girl. The boys, JJ & KC, don't know what to think of her. JJ seems to be handling our new family member better than KC, but he has been through this before. It will take some time but I know that they will learn to love her as much as they love each other.
If you are wondering why the two names I'll explain. I have had the name Gracee picked out for quite some time. However, I realized the Gracee and KC sound a lot alike and I don't want to confuse them. I'm going to see how they do. If they can't tell the difference then we will call her Lillee, but for now her name is Gracee. Gracee is a pure breed Maltese. She was born on March 25, 2009. Gracee will be 10 weeks old on Wednesday.
It is going to be a challenge training such a young dog. She can't make it out the dog door yet. Just today she peed on the floor 4 times. I'm grateful for tile flooring. Hopefully she will learn to use the pee pads, soon, until she can use the dog door.
I'm so happy to have my baby girl. I'll make sure to add more pictures as she grows.

Gracee in her kennel

The boys interested in who's in the kennel

KC checks out our new arrival

JJ says "Hi" to his new sister

Me & my baby girl Neal & Gracee have already bonded

Taking a nap on my lap (I put my hands next to her so you could see how small she is)

Truths

I was taking some time to clean up all the files in "My Documents". Some of the files I was unsure what was in them. A lot of the files were deleted. I did find some letters and updates that I have sent. They were fun to read and look back on. I did come across a file called infertility. I wasn't sure what was in the file so I opened it to see. It contained a copy of an email one of my best friends sent me many years ago. Over the years I have read this message many different times and different times in my life and the message always touches my heart. Certain parts stand out in my mind more depending on where my head is at the time.
I wanted to share it with you. I don't know who wrote the list, but it was from someone who has gone through one of the worst experiences ever. My friend said she found it on a RESOLVE web site. If you know anyone who has struggled with infertility I think you will find this helpful. (Infertility affects 15 percent of the population, or about one of every six or seven couples.)

Truths About Infertility

-That it is probably the most devastating thing that we will ever experience
-That it ruins our self-esteem
-That it affects our relationships with everyone that we know
-That it interferes with our day to day functioning
-That the medications make us moody and emotional and cause us to gain weight
-That it makes us feel violated
-That it is very expensive to go through treatment and to adopt
-That it is emotionally draining
-That it changes our lives forever-we will never again be the same people that we once were
-That people experiencing infertility have depression rates that are equal to those experiencing cancer
-That it is a life-altering experience
-That it makes us question everything we ever believed in
-These are medical issues, not lifestyle issues. Talk to us as you would someone who has heart disease, diabetes, or any other medical condition Be a sounding board for the tests, results, side effects, etc of the treatments NEVER suggest relaxing or having sex more often-
Realize that a pregnancy that results from infertility is not the same as others Infertile couples may have a hard time easing up and enjoying their pregnancy After being used to receiving disappointment, pregnancy is not yet the end of the road
-Even though your intentions are good, you will probably say something that is offensive to us because this is such a sensitive subject
-No matter how close the friendship, it will be hard to completely connect with fertile friends
-There is always something there that others cannot understand, even when you do try so hard to empathize
-Infertility affects all aspects of your life and the pain is inescapable You are confronted with it at work, at the mall, walking down your street, on television, with family and friends when they don't even know it Kids are life's common denominator When you can't participate in these conversations (and they are everywhere) you just don't fit in anywhere.
-Baby showers are one of the most painful events that we can be asked to attend
-In this day and age people need to be more cognitive that some people may want kids and are having trouble and some people may not want children for certain reasons. It is not up to family/friends to provide a running commentary on the issue. You never know the situation of the person you are talking to (some people are not open about their infertility treatments) so it's better to err on the side of caution and not make a lot of pregnancy comments/questions
-To remember that if I am acting mad at times, I am not mad at you, I am mad at my life
-That I will talk about things that are happening with my treatment when I am ready and your probing and questions do not make me any readier to discuss "what I am going to do next".
-It's hard to know what I will be doing next. If there were a script, it would be easier to predict the future, but everyone is different.
-That unless you have done what I've done and been through what I have been through, you can't possibly know how I feel and can't possibly know what to tell me to do about the pain and frustration that infertility brings
-That I will be okay again, but I don't know when So when I seem okay, just accept that as a good thing for the moment, and don't press me, because I don't know how long the feeling okay again thing will last.
-Going through infertility is like being on a roller coaster-there are constant ups and downs and surprising drops We never know what is around the next curve and work very hard to just stay fastened in our seats
-Infertility is a journey that will take us to many places we never thought of or knew about and it will shape us into new people (some of our newness will be good and some will not be) and change how we look at and deal with everything in our lives Once you've been on this journey you are never the same again
-That the sadness that accompanies infertility sometimes comes unexpectedly and at the most awkward moments I wish I could plan my depression! But unfortunately, it just doesn't work out like that Of course, these moments come when I'm surrounded by other people-- watching TV with a group and you see a commercial with a couple holding a baby-- totally unrelated to parenting, pregnancy or whatever, but it's just the image that is devastating driving in a car and a song comes on the radio that talks about babies, parents: "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder, "She's Having My Baby" .
-For me (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people experiencing infertility) the greatest fear is that I will never have a child Each failed treatment cycle, especially as your treatment gets more high-tech, makes this fear even larger If we could just somehow know that we would have a child, a lot of the stress would be alleviated
-I wish family and friends could understand why holidays, baby showers, and just hearing about or being around other people's children and pregnant woman, can be so hard sometimes
-That medical treatments are very painful, emotionally and physically That infertility is a degrading experience-we often feel like failures, like our bodies our not our own, like everyone in the world has touched us, and most especially that the most private part of our lives (our physical relationship with our spouse) has been completely invaded
-That infertility treatment is very clinical and definitely is not "fun" That treatment cycles move very slowly, so try to be patient. That we are at the mercy of the medical world
-That grief is a VERY important part of the healing process for us- please let us be sad when we need to be we have to mourn our losses.

Neal & I tried for about 6 years to become pregnant. We participated in some of those invasive treatments that were talked about. I have at one point or another felt all of these emotions. It was about a year ago that I decided that it was time to accept that Neal & I are not going to be parents (not in this life). I went to counseling for help to grieve. It is through the grace of the Lord that I have been able to accept what the Lord has in mind for me. It is not an easy thing to say "Thy will be done" and truly mean it especially when it involves your biggest dream ever. I still have my moment of weakness. In fact I had one last week. However, I have learned that if I turn to the Lord and hand my pain over to Him He is always willing to take it and carry me through.

PS I hope you found the article (for lack of a better word) helpful.

looking back

I was just journaling for my scrapbook about my graduation. I wrote a "short story", feels that way atleast. I think it turned out pretty good and is blog worthy. Keep in mind all of this happened nearly a year ago...but I just finished writing it so...I hope you enjoy my glimps into the past.

Graduation

I spent nearly three years at University of Phoenix working on my master’s degree in school counseling. The program started with a zero credit class called portfolio. If you passed this class you were allowed in the program. There were a couple of people in the class that didn’t start the program with us, so I’m guessing they didn’t pass. The class started late October 2005 and ended mid December 2005. Because our portfolio class was so small they had to run another portfolio class before we started classes for the actual program. We started classes in February 2006. We had a small break but I still consider October 2005 my starting point.
University of Phoenix is very big on learning teams and group work. We had to split ourselves up into learning teams. For the most part the learning teams did not mix with the two portfolio classes. We stayed fairly segregated. We even sat on opposite sides of the room for the basically the entire program. My learning team started out with five people: Anne, Michelle, Joe, (I forgot her name), and myself. However, (forgotten name), dropped the program after the second class. A couple of classes later Joe moved to California. Other than a few strays we took in (and got burned by) our group stayed at three. I was able to build good friendships with Anne & Michelle. Our lives changed quite a bit during the time we spent together. Michelle bought a new house and had a baby girl, Vivian. Anne also bought a new house and her dad came to live with her. These are just a few of the major life experience I had the opportunity to share with them. We have committed to getting together at least around our birthdays to catch up, if not more often. (I hope it is more often.)
May 17, 2008 was University of Phoenix’s graduation. If you were close to completing your program then you were allowed to participate. Only 5 of us out of 17, decided to take part in graduation: Me, Anne, Michelle, Tara & Larry. Funny I just realized that those of us who participated were all on the same side of the room and those who didn’t were on the other side. J The actual last day of school was July 23, 2008, my 30th birthday.
I figured that since I was earning my masters and turning 30 on the same day that we should celebrate in style. I also decided that since my family would be here for graduation and it is way too hot in July that we should have the graduation/birthday party in May. We had the party outside so that we could play games like volleyball (my favorite), croquet & Mexican Golf. The party was at Seastrand Park which is just up the road from our house. In Vegas the month of May can either be nice and warm or extremely hot. Unfortunately on May 17th it was extremely hot! (The following weekend it was cloudy and cool. L) Gratefully, lots of friends came out to celebrate with me despite the heat.
My house was packed graduation weekend. I had mom & dad in the empty room. Audree, Sean & Austin were in the guest room. I was going to put Craig and his family out in the backyard in our tent, but they ended up not being able to come due to lack of funds. (That’s 3 graduations you have missed Craig, you owe me big!) Fran was going to be on an air-mattress in the living room, or something like that. However, she was too sick to come. (We all know she hates crowds, that may have had something to do with her absence as well.) A surprise guest was Chad (my other dad) and Belva. They got a hotel room at the Cannery. I sent him and invite to the grad/b-day party, not because I expected him to come (he lives very far away) but just so he knew what was going on. It was a major shock (to say the least) when I found out he was going to come for my graduation. It was a great gesture on his side. It was very nice of him to come, especially all that way.
The day was a great one. There are some things I would have changed (all my family there, cooler weather, & start the party later), but all in all it was a great day. Many thanks to all of those who were there giving your love and support.
I want to give a special thanks to my mom who has always supported me in everything I have ever done. It wasn’t until later in life that I realized how hard it must have been for her to listen to me talk about going to college. She never once brought up the fact that we couldn’t afford to send me to college. She never once burst my bubble with the reality of the situation. I didn’t think about the money when I was making my plans during high school or even my first year of college. I don’t know how it got paid for but it did and I am grateful. Student loans paid for the subsequent years, which I’m also grateful for, but hate paying on. Thank you mom for believing in me and for giving me the strength and confidence to believe in myself!
I also want to give a special thanks to my hubby, Neal. Shortly after we got married I started taking classes at the community college. Before we were even married a year I decided I needed to go back to school full time; which meant I would only be working part time. Neal completely supported my decision, not only mentally but monetarily and physically. I talked about getting my masters a little bit before I actually went back to school, but no great discussion was had on the matter. I was contacted by U o P, went in and talked to them and signed up for the program. I told Neal that I was going back to school and on which day I started. I signed up for the school without even discussing it with him! Even I’m shocked. However, I knew that Neal would stand behind me and support me without even having to ask him. For almost three years Neal put up with me and my busy hectic ornery self without (much) complaint. He always has my back! He is always willing to support me and make sacrifices for me while I am constantly trying to change and improve. Thank you Honey for always being there for me and for being my rock!

It's our anniversary

This past Thursday was our 10th anniversary. Wow, I can't believe it has been ten years! I know some of you have been married longer and are thinking 10 years big deal, but think back to your tenth year. Didn't it seem like a really long time? The past ten years have been full of smiles and tears. We have been through much, both good and bad. We have changed and been able to accomplish many things. It wasn't always easy, but it was alway worth it. I look forward to the next ten years.

We both had to work Thursday so we were not really able to celebrate. However, Neal did send me flowers atwork. They are beautiful. He had them put in red roses to represent him and white tulips to represent me. Tulips are my favorite flower & roses are his. We didn't do anything special after work we just spent time together.

We did our real celebrating yesterday (Saturday). We went to Red Lobster for dinner and then we went to the Cirque Du Soleil performance at the Mirage. It was called "Love" and all the music was from the Beatles.

They did some really amazing thing. I held my breath a number of times as well as ohh and awwed. There were also some times where I was thinking umm this is kinda boring, get back to the action. I'm glad that we went. It wasn't quite my thing, I prefer Broadway productions, but a great experince. To be honest we probably never would have picked that show except for the fact that we got discounted tickets, but it is always good to broaden your horizons.

On another note:

Last night when we were driving down to the strip something was strange but it took me a while to put my finger on just what it was. Then all of the sudden it hit me, none of the Casino's were lit up. A few had their name lights on but that was all. Usually the whole building is spot lighted. Neal then noticed that the lights on the freeway were also off. It was a very Erie feeling. I could actually see the stars in down town Las Vegas. The glow of Las Vegas is usually so bright that you can see it all the way from Bullhead City AZ (no joke). BTW Bullhead is over 100 miles from Vegas. We happened to take the elevator down with a maintenance worker. He said the light were out in most major cities around the country to bring attention to global warming. When we got out of the show the lights were back on. I wish I would have taken before and after pictures so that you could see what I'm talking about. Trust me though, it was kinda creepy.

Last night was definitely a memorable night, for many reasons.

Crash Landing

I had a bad day yesterday. It wasn't the typical "Monday's suck" day, it was much worse. I couldn't figure out why it was such a bad day and why I was reacting so strongly to pretty much everyday stress. However, this morning while driving (& praying) to work I had a moment of clarity.
Last Friday after work I headed over to the temple. After spending two hours in the house of the Lord, I left feeling rejuvenated and re-energized. (See Special Day...10 years in the making for full details). On Saturday I cleaned my house (for 7 hours) and did some shopping. It was a very busy and productive day. At the end of which I was totally worn out but quite satisfied with what I had accomplished. On Sunday, I went to church and then that night I went to a youth fireside. I had a good day, heck I had a great weekend. I felt good about myself and I was spiritually feed, full in fact. I was on some sort of cloud or bubble or something.
I was still riding my high as I drove to my training Monday morning. I was feeling very happy and grateful. Then at the training I was board, because of the repeat of information from previous trainings. And then the lady I was sitting next to was not very computer literate (it was a computer training, obviously). I have discovered I don't have much patients for people with little to no computer skills.
Anyway, after the training I hurried back to my school so I could make the department meeting. At this point my high was falling, but in a hang-gliding fall to the ground type of way. However, during the meeting we were talking about how due to budget cuts we are going to lose 2 counselors next year and what that meant to our caseload and other obligations & responsibilities. At this point I feel doom and gloom completely overwhelm me. I'm stressed and overwhelmed with what I have on my plate this year! How am I ever going manage next year? My fall back to Earth is no longer soft, slow and gentle it is now a fast spiraling tail spin back to reality.
My moment of clarity that I had this morning testified to me that I had spent the last 2 1/2 days in the world but not of it. However, upon returning to work I was THRUST back into being part of the world. My weekend of peace had made me unprepared to handle the stresses of my life. I felt like crying. I just wanted to curl up in a ball, in a dark hole somewhere far far away. Today was a bit better of a day, but I'm still feeling the burn of my crash. I'll get over it, unfortunately.
I miss my bubble!

Food Find

Okay I have to admit I feel kinda silly blogging about this, but it is just too good to keep to myself.

As many of you know I go to Weight Watchers. At the end of every meeting the leader gives us a food find. This is low point food (the lower the points the better) that he thinks we will enjoy. The foods vary from carbs & sweets to "real" food. Well about two weeks ago my leader, Matt, gave us the best food find ever. Well next to Golden Spoon Frozen Yogurt (I'm extremely addicted to their frozen yogurt). I have been going to Weight Watchers for 2 year so saying that it is the best ever is saying something. I have received a lot of food finds and nothing compares.

So hopefully you are thinking "okay Annie, just tell me what it is so I can hurry and go out and buy it". Okay don't laugh...it hamburger buns :-) I know silly, right? But hamburger buns, even the whole wheat kind are at the very least 3 points, which in my book is a lot, especially considering that hamburger meat is a high point food as it is. However, Matt the genius that he is, found a hamburger bun that is only...get this...1 point!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that? I didn't. My jaw hit the floor when he told us that. This is freak'n incredible. I told you it was almost as good as Golden Spoon. These fabulous hamburger buns are made by Natures Own, Whitewheat. I have included a picture to help you find them. They had whole wheat buns also but those where 3 points. The buns are white in color so nobody will know that you are eating "healthy" food. How awesome is that? They also make 1 point hot dog buns.



I know I am way too excited about buns, but I just can't help myself.

p.s. I found mine at walmart but I'm pretty sure Smith sells them also.