After reading a fellow blogger's blog about saying what you really mean I realized that I don't do that. I find myself editing certain things out of my posts. Especially things about work. I would love to vent about some of the things that happen but I'm afraid. I'm afraid someone from work will somehow stumble upon my blog and read what I have written. It could happen! I've shared my blog address with two co-workers, they may have shared with others. What if I complain about Dr. Man and his crazy thinking of lets treat this HIGH school like a Jr. High because he worked in one for so long, and it gets back to him? This man controls the fate of my job (i.e. my food, home, and entertainment). I don't know if I can take that risk. Plus you all probably don't want to hear about the crappy communication at my school. Or the mice that have invaded the HOPE room causing it to be closed until further notice. Which also cuts back on my extra pay that I was going to put toward...anything I want! Yes I know I am spoiled. It is my compensation for being denied the privilege of being a mother.
On another topic...headaches suck! Every test that was done came back normal. I am glad to know that I don't have a tumor or cancer or anything ugly and vicious like that. However, I'm still getting headaches daily. The neurologist informs me, 5 tests and 4 months later, that I have chronic headaches. To which I say "duh"! Like I didn't know that going into my first appointment with him. I have been suffering with headaches for over 8 years, but I had absolutely no idea that they where chronic headaches. I know the sarcasm is a bit bitter, but I'm slightly angered that all of this time, money and stress has come to nothing. (deep breath)
The lesson I taught the young women on Sunday was about spiritual talents. One of the spiritual talents was the faith to be healed. I thought, years ago, that I had this talent. I have faith in Gods supreme power to heal. I know that whatever God wills will happen. If he were to bless me I would be healed. I do not doubt this in any way. However, after too many years to count, of praying to be healed of my infertility without success it makes me think that God doesn't want to heal me. I have been praying for my health. I have been praying that he will take the headaches away so that I wont have to take a pain killer each and every single day. I have faith that he can heal me, but what if he doesn't want to? I could have the faith of the prophets and it would do me no good if my physical suffering is the will of the Lord. "Ask and you shall receive, Knock and it shall be opened", but only if it's God's will. I know He knows infinitely more than I do. I know that He wants what is best for me and will not give me more then I can handle. But at times I feel like he overestimates my strength. I do pray that the Lords will be done. Sometimes I just wish our wills were the same.
Did I mention headaches suck?!
YES they do!! I have finally got mine under a bit of control with the topamax....that sucks you can't take it! it has really helped me! I have to take all 100 mg's at night though cause it slows my brain WAAAAAY down, and I can't interpret if I take it in the am! Now, that was a weird experience! Don't under estimate your own strength! and keep on keepin on!! It will all come to light as to WHY you have to go through all this crap! IT WILL! Until then, hang in, and know you're loved!
ReplyDeleteI've had your post up on my computer screen all day long wondering what to say. I am sorry to hear that the only diagnoses you have is chronic headaches. I think your money should be refunded. You already knew that you have chronic headaches. I hope that you will find some relief.
ReplyDeleteI love what you say about Heavenly Father's power and ability. It is absolutely true. I hope that as you say, He is unwilling to remove the hardships in your life you also realize that it's not because He wants you to be miserable. He loves you!
I don't want to get there tonight or anything but I look forward to the day when I ask the Lord why. Not why me, but what did I need to learn, why?
Love yoU!
Your friends said some wonderful comments, and I wanted to add more. Its ok to vent:) Completely ok. Its hard to not see the big picture, when it seems to keep raining. Don't ever forget that He does love you, and He has very personal lessons for Annie to learn right now. He doesn't want you to give up, ever, and yet, that seems the easy road to take. You have great friends and a sweet husband who are rooting for you. I'm so blessed to know you. Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts on your blog:) Its going to be ok.
ReplyDeleteAnnie...the headache thing sucks. So sorry. But, I completely understand the trial of infertility - on a completely personal level.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful that you have such faith in the Lord, because He can heal you...but, possibly not in ways you expect. Perhaps He is strengthening and healing you in other ways besides physically; it is good to recognize that too.
I ditto LeShel's comment about His love for you. I know it is sometimes difficult to believe or be sure about when facing such painful trials. (Remember, I've been there!)
I believe there are many great things in store for you - and you are being prepared to receive the blessings He will pour out on you when the windows of Heaven open. I believe it, because I've lived it.
Stay strong. Vent! Cry! It's ok...