Numb

In my effort to protect myself from getting overwhelmed by stress I avoid it. I dont think about what is going on because I dont think stressing and dweling does any good. Basically I go numb so I dont have to feel anything stressful. Unfortunatley, the side effect of going numb to avoid stress means I don't feel anything. I'm not just numb to bad feelings I'm also numb to joy.
I've just been going through the motions for the last couple of months. Sure I have had some great moments & I still get annoyed by things at work. But I can feel something missing. I'm affraid that if I feel something, really feel it, I will open the flood gates to everything. I cant handle everything right now. But is the trade off of not feeling anything bad worth not feeling anything at all? Without pain you cant feel joy. It really sucks that that statement is true!

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Hoping dreams don't come true

I had a very weird sciefy like dream last night. In the middle of it something woke me up. So in my half awake half asleep state I laid there and wondered what it meant. Thinking about also about how Joseph interpreted the Pharaohs dreams and how some dreams are messages not just dreams. So in thinking about my dream I came to the conclusion that all things are connected and pre-ordained in a way. There was one part of my dream where the man put his hands together and kinda made them beat like a heart. He was reminding me that we had been together before that our hearts beat together before we had bodies. I believe the dark haired man represented Neal. FYI I don't dream in detail just kinda in thought. I never really see anybodies face clearly I just know who they are. Well as I continue to lay there thinking about my dream and how it is connected somehow I connect that to losing Neal. (Neal lost his dad when he was 13 so he is kinda obsessed with death, in a way. He always wants to be prepared for it. Like with life insurance and a plan. So after all this time living with Neal's obsession I too at times think about what I would do if I lost Neal. It is always in a very unemotional way. We even joke that I would spread Neal's ashes in Irland, because the only way I will ever be able to afford to go there is with Neal's life insurance.) So since I made the connection I kinda go into my imaginings of what I would do. However, this time there was nothing unemotional about. I started pleading with the Lord not to take him from me. He is my help mate and I need him. Obviously the tears were flowing as they are now. The feeling was too real. I have spent 1/3 of my life with Neal. All of my adult life with him. The dreams and plans I have are our dreams and plans. They would mean nothing without him. I cannot imagine my life without him. I don't want to imagine my life without him.
I'm really hoping this was just some bizzar dream that means nothing. That I have this feeling to make me grateful. To remind me to cherish him and the time we have together. I really hope it is just a reminder of what is important and not something to prepare me. I can think of two times in my life when I knew ahead of time that something was way off. The first time I went to gynecologist for my issues I remember crying and thinking he is going to tell me I'm not going to be able to have kids. Well he didn't tell me that, but I can't have kids. I remember how at 18 years old how real that felt. How heart breaking that realization was. At 32 that realization is no less heart breaking. I was given the knowledge before I was even married. I tried to ignore it and pretend it was just my fear, but it wasn't. The other time had to do with a 19 year old girl losing her first love. I bawled from just the feeling that something was wrong. I knew before he even told me that it was over. Two times I have been prepared before hand. It has probably been more then two times because I believe in the tender mercies of the Lord, but I'm not always as observant as I should be. Please don't let this be one of those times! PLEASE
I'm sorry for posting something so gloom and doom but I had to get it out of my head and I thought writing it down might help.

Frustrated, Stressed and Worried

Today I received some very upsetting news. It has increased my stress level exponentially.
Last week I checked on my licencing status and saw that the state had put down that I failed my elementary ed test. Knowing I had passed all my test I called them to let them know that there was an error. Well today they called me back. My score was 149, which is passing in NV. However, to pass in UT you have to have a score of at least 150. One sticking point!!!! So now I have to take the test again. I have to pay the outrageous amount and sit through a two hour test to prove that I can teach. So I guess my 6 years of teaching experience means nothing compared to that one point! Can you tell I'm frustrated? I asked if they put provisions on their licenses and they said no. They are making NV look better with every question. When I got my NV licence they gave me three years to pass the tests. Oh well, can't change that.
So while looking around online I realize that maybe I also have to take the counseling test. I didn't have to take the test for NV because I had previous teaching experience. So I called to clarify and got someones voicemail, again, so I left a message proving how much I don't know. Or maybe proving how inadequate the information online is. I'm still waiting for a call back but have registered for the test in the mean time. Hopefully I can cancel the test and get some money back. The two test cost me $220. Oh and if I want to be ebook study guides it is going to cost me $24 each! Can anyone say rip off?
I totally thought that getting my license was going to be a breeze. I thought the hard part was going to be finding a job. I'm worried about finding a job. Seriously worried. I have to have a job. I have a husband and four kids (my 3 dogs and my mother-in-law) depending on me. (BTW Neal was the first one to say his mother was like having a child.) I'm hoping to get lots of Karma points by taking my mother-in-law in that will be used to help me get a good job. I'm definitely going to be doing some serious groveling praying over the next couple of months.

I'm back, for now

I realize that I haven't blogged for over a year, but I can not change the past. This last year has been overwhelming so blogging hasn't been at the top of my list of priorities. It still isn't, but I will try to do better. I have been reading my dear friends blogs. I enjoy hearing about your life. I hope that you too enjoyed it when I was blogging and will try to keep that in mind when it has gone too longs since last posting.
I'm still working at the same school, and I still don't like it. The silver lining is that as of this Friday we are officially half way through the school year. The second half of the year seems to go faster then the first despite the lack of breaks or maybe because of it. Spring break is super late this year. I hope I can make it.
June holds greatness for me. I am finally getting my wish to move back home. By the time we move I will have been living in the desert for nearly 13 years. My experiences have made me who I am, so I wouldn't trade them, but I am very happy to be going home. The hubby is not happy about moving but is doing it for me.
Speaking of moving we are going to be needing jobs. I'm a bit nervous about finding work. If anyone knows anyone who works in the SL school district that can recommend me or even give me some insider tips please let me know. Oh I will also be applying for the Jordan district. I taught 8th grade math for 6 years and I'm in my 3rd year as a high school counselor. My teaching licence allows me to teach K-8 and my counseling is K-12. I don't do elementary school! Oh and the Hubby is a truck driver so if you have any connections there we would really appreciate it. He doesn't do Pick up and delivery. It's not what you know it's who you know. Thanks in advance for any help you can give.
Well that is about it for now. I'll try to post again soon. When the mood strikes.

thoughts in my head at this moment

After reading a fellow blogger's blog about saying what you really mean I realized that I don't do that. I find myself editing certain things out of my posts. Especially things about work. I would love to vent about some of the things that happen but I'm afraid. I'm afraid someone from work will somehow stumble upon my blog and read what I have written. It could happen! I've shared my blog address with two co-workers, they may have shared with others. What if I complain about Dr. Man and his crazy thinking of lets treat this HIGH school like a Jr. High because he worked in one for so long, and it gets back to him? This man controls the fate of my job (i.e. my food, home, and entertainment). I don't know if I can take that risk. Plus you all probably don't want to hear about the crappy communication at my school. Or the mice that have invaded the HOPE room causing it to be closed until further notice. Which also cuts back on my extra pay that I was going to put toward...anything I want! Yes I know I am spoiled. It is my compensation for being denied the privilege of being a mother.

On another topic...headaches suck! Every test that was done came back normal. I am glad to know that I don't have a tumor or cancer or anything ugly and vicious like that. However, I'm still getting headaches daily. The neurologist informs me, 5 tests and 4 months later, that I have chronic headaches. To which I say "duh"! Like I didn't know that going into my first appointment with him. I have been suffering with headaches for over 8 years, but I had absolutely no idea that they where chronic headaches. I know the sarcasm is a bit bitter, but I'm slightly angered that all of this time, money and stress has come to nothing. (deep breath)

The lesson I taught the young women on Sunday was about spiritual talents. One of the spiritual talents was the faith to be healed. I thought, years ago, that I had this talent. I have faith in Gods supreme power to heal. I know that whatever God wills will happen. If he were to bless me I would be healed. I do not doubt this in any way. However, after too many years to count, of praying to be healed of my infertility without success it makes me think that God doesn't want to heal me. I have been praying for my health. I have been praying that he will take the headaches away so that I wont have to take a pain killer each and every single day. I have faith that he can heal me, but what if he doesn't want to? I could have the faith of the prophets and it would do me no good if my physical suffering is the will of the Lord. "Ask and you shall receive, Knock and it shall be opened", but only if it's God's will. I know He knows infinitely more than I do. I know that He wants what is best for me and will not give me more then I can handle. But at times I feel like he overestimates my strength. I do pray that the Lords will be done. Sometimes I just wish our wills were the same.
Did I mention headaches suck?!

Sorry

Okay I have totally sucked at blogging the last two months. I haven't even taken the time to read my friends blogs. I'm sorry about missing out on your lives and all the great & not so great things that have happened. I am going to try and do better, but I make no promises. To be honest I think one of the big problems is that I can't get on blogs at work. I have plenty of things to do at work and it is not like I would spend the whole time reading and typing, but have you ever heard of a lunch break or a 15 min break. The fact that the school now blocks access to blogs is ridiculous! Good news though, on the 15th I will have access to the internet on my phone so I can always read your blogs then. Hopefully commenting will be easy on the phone.
I’ll try to do better this year with blogging and reading. Thank you for your patients and support. I’ll try and catch you up on the last two months. Novembers’ done…one month to go.

November/Thanksgiving

November started out crappy. My spinal tap went wrong. The 24 hours of laying flat turned into 48 hours. But after the blood patch I could finally stand up without a severe headache. Unfortunately, I woke up with another sinus infection. After the sinus infection went away we headed to my parents for Thanksgiving. My sister and her family also came to Yuma. My brother, Craig, was also going to come but was unable to make it do to an emergency. We had a lot of food and fun! We not only ate but we had the chance to ride and shop.

Mom prepping the Turkey

Cookn' the bird

More Yummy Food


Carving the Turkey

My Kids

My Parents

Audree's Family

My Family

Thanksgiving Dinner

The Kids Table


Riding